Kason : Looking back at the last 4 years (7.17.09- 7.17.13)

I am sitting here and looking back over baby pictures and the 4 years that I have been blessed with my sweet boy!! I remember the day that I took the test for him and it came positive..  I was scared out of my mind on how I was going to love another child. I was very happy despite a few people in my life telling me I was messing up ( I was 20 at the time) . My hubs ( at the time fiance) and I where going through a rough time during the time so the pregnancy was already going rough because of the emotions...  I fought through weeks of bleeding, being admitted into the hospital and the constant pang of contractions managed to make it to 36 weeks.. Our son was born right before the shift change and all was wonderful... Breastfeeding was hard and I was not able to nurse on one breast.. I was left again alone with a newborn while the hubs went to work out of city..  Alone I went on .. One day his face broke out in a rash and thus began the path we have been on for the past three and a half years. I have been in a constant tizzy of doctors appointments and constant stress load that would make anyone else loose their marbles.. I would wake up to bloody sheet and a screaming baby most nights.. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking of his screams.. After months of begging we finally got specialists.. But again it was creams and steroids and plenty of heartbreak when that didn't work and his face would again turn to a bloody and raw nightmare.. As we neared his first birthday it seemed to get better... then one big flare knocked him back down .. Again his skin inflamed and bleeding.. My prayer however came true when his eczema went away just enough to take his birthday pictures!! We tried to feed him cake.. and as usual he didnt eat much.. Weeks later I am holding him and rocking him.. He starts to cry and then turns blue... seizing on my lap.. I scream out for him to come back as his lips get darker and darker... I finally get him to breath... We rush him to the hospital.. I know i have told this story a million times.. each time I can feel my heart do the same thing it did when he first had the attack... his body was giving up.. my son was dying.. my heart.. my soul was sick for him.. Looking back i should have knew.. I should have taken him to a different doctor.. Maybe he would not have suffered soo much..  We get past this phase and move into a year of bliss.. Nothing and I mean nothing happens... Infections slowed down and life was normal.... I got my wish on his second birthday.. just for one day of perfect skin... I was able to hug him without him crying and kiss his sweet cheeks without the fear of infection or making him hurt...  We went through that year like nothing had happened.. UNTIL..... His third birthday brought more breakouts and Hives , confused we entered through another phase of complete Hell... It wasn't until this year ( 2013) that what was happening and what had been happening came to light... We finally got him tested for food allergies... and have a new battle since he was diagnosed.. Lots of happy moments clouded by sadness.. hard work and sleepless nights...


Although not everything was Bad... there is moments ( and pictures ) of good times and moments of bliss... Moments that can make the darkest ones seem like nothing.. The videos of him laughing even though his face must have hurt badly... The feeling of being alone and another mother with a child with the same condition writes you and tells you how strong you are and how strong he is and that this too shall pass..  The moments that you watch him blow out his candles , more each year and know that you are going to do everything to protect them.. I know one day ill be looking at a man instead of a little boy... Ill hold a hand bigger than my own....

Most times I wish I would have wrote a letter on the day of their birthdays and present them to them when they become parents.. But ill start now..



My dearest Kason,

My sweet boy know that I love you so very much.. As I am sitting here I think of how precious you are to me.. You know how strong you are? I am amazed by you little boy.. I am amazed by the big boy you are becoming.. I am so blessed to be your mommy!! God put you right where you belong.. Your father and I are so thankful for every precious moment we have had with you.. As you turn 4 I am going to cry a little.. Because you are not going to be little anymore.. You have left the baby stage and moved into boyhood.  You will be able to go to school next year.. and well that is really scary because it seems like not so long ago they handed me a bread loaf sized bundle with a tiny baby in it.. Now my wish for you is that you will grow big and strong.. That you love with no price and that you Know that not just me and daddy love you , but your sister and little brother as well as the Great I Am.. your heavenly Father above!!! He loves you more than you know!!! I pray that you will know his love in the darkest hours... Keep your head up and know that I am always a step behind you... Now while you nap ill watch more videos of you and feel even more blessed becuase when you wake up I know ill have a dozen more to add soon!!!

Love you with all of my heart
Mommy

What would Jesus do : Thoughts on lifestyles and gossip

As I am sitting here writing I am shaking my head. I can't believe how as of late things have become a whirlwind of drama and pointless fighting. I do admit like every human being I have my weaknesses and I do fall short of how God wants me to be. Last weekend was brought to my attention how I have never seen the kind of hurt it can do, until it happened to me. Honestly I got myself into the situation where the gossip and assumptions where made and well it caused a lot of hurt within my family dynamics .. While my relationship with my Hunny is no where where it needs to be due to us both neglecting it, we have enough sense to know if something is true or not. That's what most people do not understand , what you say and do can hurt or even destroy a friendship or a relationship. Looking back now I see I was so totally wrong about how I handled this situation and have asked God to forgive me. Now looking forward I know what I can do and how to deal with it. Forgiving and forgetting is so hard , but it's worth it.

Weeks ago I also made assumptions about a person I do not know . I don't know who she is, how her life is, or why she does the things she does. I made the wrong choice of being the onlooker and laughing. This woman may be lost and needs someone to show her how God loves us no matter our sins or our choices . I feel like I have seen a little of her in me at times . I have thought many times I would go over there and tell her if she needed anything to let me know. See Jesus loved even the people the world didn't love. The outcasts and the "jezebels" . He only asks us to follow him and forget our old lives. I plan soon to show that un-judgmental love , honestly even if it doesn't get me anywhere I have the peace of mind that I tried to help and possibly save someone else from the destructiveness that can be made by our lifestyles.

While I have been victim to gossip I have also have been guilty of dishing it out. I have been the one laughing , but I have lately been the one laughed at. Honestly I could care less what people say, or how much people like me. I am however going to watch what I say about other people, because when you talk about someone, your also pointing out your own flaws. I have many, to many in fact.. I wish I could have said sorry to the people it effected. I am choosing to let the Devil use that as a for, of hiding on what I really need to fix. While I am laughing at someone with relationship issues, I have them myself. While I am laughing at the issues of others, I am really laughing at myself.

What's wrong with this world is we have forgotten how to love, how to trust and how to forgive. I think it is never to late to do better, to make better choices and to let one more person that may not feel loved, get the love they need. I plan on going to church Sunday.. Even if it is by myself and asking God to forgive me.. I want to do better, not only for myself but for my family.. I want his presence to rule over my house and fill it til it is bursting at the seems . I feel like if I can start now, then maybe I can save this all before it is to late and be there for the ones that like me , walked in the shoes of judgment and gossip, un-happy and alone.