What joy and pain is this: Having a rainbow baby

It didn't take me long to become apprehensive about the news that we where expecting again. Two days prior I had thought that my body was doing what it had before, leaving me feeling even more torn as it had before. I had been struggling the last year with rapid weight gain and crippling reactions. One year on steroids had taken its toll, nothing was working the same anymore. My cycles that where once predictable had become less and less so.   In May of 2014 I was shocked to see a VERY faint line on a test that I had taken in the early morning.  Joy washed over me as I woke my husband from sleep and quietly announced to him we where expecting again. Over the next two days I felt the same nagging symptoms as I did with my other children. My joy however was short lived as I woke up to severe cramping and bleeding. For three days I laid in bed, begging God to comfort me. My whole being felt torn and raw. What made it worse was a few days prior a family member announced their pregnancy as well. Feeling alone I decided to just keep my pain and sorrow to myself. Soon I started to snap at the ones I loved the most, including my husband. It wasn't until I let go and finally had a good cry that I decided that I would move on with life.. Hard as it was I had made the choice to leave it into Gods hand to make the choice for me if we would ever have another child.  August of 2015 my cycle was late for 2 weeks. The hell of having to take tests only to come out negative made me fear what I already knew... I was starting to loose my cycles and I may never be normal again. I mourned what could be the last chance to have a baby gone. My husband and I had come to the conclusion even before that both of us where too sick to have anymore children. If only i could go back in time and tell myself life would shortly change, I would have enjoyed my holidays with the kids and smiled a little more.

I was due for a cycle Christmas morning of 2015 .. When I missed my cycle I thought nothing of my chances of being pregnant. I just assumed I was loosing yet another cycle. However I also started to notice I was turned off by some of my favorite food and that my chest was sore and achy. It wasn't until I went out and bought a pregnancy test ( by the prodding of my husband) ) that I started to feel the same uneasy and betrayed feeling I had before. What if it was negative?! What if I was just making these things up in my head? Reluctantly I took the test.. I hadn't even had a chance to set it down when the plus sign showed up bright and clear.. My heart went into my throat and I called for my husband. He looked at me and said " I knew it!! I knew it for two weeks!!" I however was scared and worried.. How can I expect that this baby would stay? After a week the bleeding started... I asked my husband to take me to the ER and my heart sank when they told me that the baby had a bleed around it. On my paperwork it stated " threatened miscarriage." I started to prepare myself for yet again another loss and started to try to keep myself from bonding with the baby. About 4 days later the bleeding started again, this time with bright red bleeding.. Turns out the bleeding had grown and again I was sent home to loose our baby.. For what seemed like ages I waited... I waited to say goodbye. Weeks passed and my first OB appointment came..

On the screen was the perfect little outline of a baby... I saw a little heart flickering and small limbs moving. I smiled and teared up .
 A few short weeks after our ultrasound we found out we where having a girl!!! I still guarded myself since we where not in the safe zone.. For weeks again I had a hard time bonding with her !! I begged God to allow her to stay. 24 weeks came and went.... I finally had peace that she was staying.. In or out she would survive !! Soon after we started monthly visits to a specialty doctor to keep watch over her. Each visit gave me new photos of her to enjoy.. My heart however longed for her to be in my arms, not in my womb. As my due date approached I madly planned for her to be here, making sure everything would be done. We scheduled my induction and I had my baby shower..

 Time was passing quickly!!! It wasn't until I passed 38 weeks that my nervousness hit a new peak.. Why isn't she here?! The day I went into labor I decided then this would be my last time doing this.. she would be my last baby. Never again did I want to go through the torture and pain of having to hope there would be a good ending !! It wasn't until I heard her cry that a wave of relief washed over me.. I cried .... not just for the relief of her birth.. But finally saying goodbye to the baby who had left my womb too soon..

Being the mom of a rainbow baby is like having a stitched up heart. All your children take a piece of it.. When one leaves this world before you, it feels like that patch given was ripped from you. Unable to stop the bleeding , the wound has to be stitched. Then another baby comes and the wound still feels raw and sore.. It isn't until the baby is born that you feel that patch sealed over with gold thread. The pain is still there, but this new thread has healing powers.. not what the other had.  The birth of my daughter saved me... her birth gave me hope. I am still in awe of this tiny creature... Each little cry, squeak or sigh makes me jump to my feet. Each little sleepy smile or content sigh after her tummy is full makes my heart sing. I still lovingly think of our baby we lost before her. Maybe her sleepy smiles are her looking upon the face of her sibling. Next May she and I will go to a quite and small place and release a balloon.. A memorial for a baby who left us both too soon. A baby wanted by both heaven and earth.. Maybe as she grows the pain wont be there anymore.. I cant wait to see what she becomes!! I cant wait to go home one day and hold the baby I never got to.. I am at peace and content with waiting and enjoying my sweet little rainbow here on earth..


Until we meet again my sweet little one I will dream of you

In loving memory of our baby
Came into our hearts May 23, 2015
Went to heaven May 26, 2015

We will meet again...

Announcing the birth of our rainbow baby
Kathleen Rae McDowell

Came into our hearts January 2016
Came earthside  August 14, 2016
Our rainbow on a cloudy day!!