West Texas Natural Baby: Our Rainbow is here!!

It doesn't seem possible to love anything more than you love your child, Each one brings more joy into your life, each marking an event in your life. When I first began the blogs I was a nervous mess and not ready to face the possibility of loosing the pregnancy. What we didn't know at that time was we would be here 9 months later. I admit that Kathleen has already done so much in her short life! As I am writing this I am holding her in my arms.  

As many of you know Kathleen was born on August 14, 2016.. I was due as of August 20th,2016.. So she was born 6 days before her due date. My pregnancy was considered high risk and due to my asthma and celiac disease I was followed very closely by my OB and a perinatologist. While I would have loved to give birth with a midwife and at a birth center, Abilene doesn't have many options and I wanted to make sure that if I was going to have any complications that she was born safely in a hospital setting and that I was close to help. Seeing as I have several health issues I decided that even with this being my last baby, I wanted to respect the fact that I am already a mother to 3 children and I wanted to be home safe with them after it was said and done.. Early on we where told my pregnancy was at risk due to a bleed behind the placenta and her amniotic sack. I was also diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on a strict and limited diet.. Most of my meals where high protein and very low carb.  My hopes and wishes for a natural and low risk pregnancy was not completely dashed, but was limited by the complications that I could have had if I chose a different route. Which is why I feel at peace with how everything went in the end.

Kalthleen's birth:

08/13/16:

Felt very off that morning and was having a lot of Braxton hicks contractions.. I felt very heavy in my pelvic region and was questioning if labor had began yet. Decided to rest on and off that day as much as possible. I made dinner and then laid down for the night. Could not sleep and decided I needed to finish up my pregnancy blog as I knew it would be the last one before I had the baby and started to write her birth story.. After a few tears I was gearing up for my induction Monday morning. 

08/14/16

At 3:45 am I was woke up by lower back cramps that where not severe at the time, but where most definitely something I had not felt before that night.. I decided to try to sleep through them as much as possible ( trying was the real word ) . At 5:45 laying in bed was not comfortable anymore and I decided to go sit on the toilet and try to use that as a way to relieve the pain, contractions where 10-15 minutes apart at that time .I messaged my friend who was coming into town and let her know what was going on. She begged me to not have the baby before she got there!! I told her no promises , but at least I wouldn't have to be induced!! I Noticed a lot of bloody show and decided a bath was the next best choice for me. I woke my husband up and told him that I was not sure, but I felt like labor had begun.. I Tried to rest between contractions while running the water. By the time I ran the water and was settled the contractions where about 8-10 minutes apart. 6:30 am comes and I can't seem to even get through the contractions without having to breathe .. The water isn't as soothing as my last birth!! I was very annoyed with this and got out.. I Tried to lay back down to sleep for awhile to no avail, the contractions where too strong!! I Finally decided to get up and move to the living room with hubby and asked for a back rub and some counter pressure on my lower back. I Labored in living room for a few hours until my friend and her husband arrived at my house . I Decided to eat a small snack and quickly discovered that my stomach was not going to handle that. At 12:45 I had enough and decided to go ahead to the hospital with my friend and told my husband to join us if I was truly in labor. Arrived at the labor and delivery and was told they where keeping me and I was in labor and they where keeping me.. I was transferred to my labor and delivery room and was quickly told I had to lay still and allow them to monitor the baby.. I was not impressed at this point.. My hope was to have labored naturally like I did with my son . A few hours passed and my husband joined me in our room along with my friend. I begged them to start the epidural as my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest.. I was told I had to wait till the first bag of fluid was in my body and they would call ... Another hour passed and when the nurse came in again I begged for them to call for my epidural .. Each contraction sent pain into my legs and into my toes... It took them another hour to finally get the anesthesiologist in and another hour for him to put it in ( after bending me into what seemed a pretzel) .. It wasn't long after they did the epidural that I felt the same feeling I had before during transition.. I felt like my body was freezing and that I needed to go to the bathroom. I told the nurse to check me since I felt like she was a lot lower in my pelvic region. Sure enough she was ready to come out!!! Nurses scrambled around my room to get the birth area prepped and then pull me down to the edge of the bed.. God bless them because what was supposed to be a twilight epidural had completely left me unable to move!!  We struggled for about 20 minutes to get my legs into the stirrups!! The doctor they had on call was prepping himself when I felt her head drop lower and I freaked out . I loudly called out " um are you going to catch the baby?!"  Not even two second later a tiny baby was laid onto my chest!!! I was shocked on how little she was !! 

I was expecting a baby 2x her size!!!  When I looked at the doctor he clearly had a concerned look on his face and was working furiously to get her cord cut and across to the nurse. I hear him call out "Baby's cord was knotted!! Call nicu!!" At that moment all the emotions of my pregnancy and the loss of my previous baby flooded me and I began to cry. My head swam with worry as they swept away her tiny body from my chest and onto the warmer.. 

Her first loud cry was heard from across the room.. I had missed my perfect birth, but was just glad to hear her doing well. I was asked several times if i was sure of my due date, if I had complications, and several other things. It wasn't until they told me how much she weighed did my heart drop... It was an hour before she was finally given to me and 2 hours later before we settled into our recovery room.. My mom, dad, hubby and friend all got to have turns holding her. It wasn't until the next day my other children came!! 

 We left the hospital 2 days later and have been settled for about 3 weeks now!! I am so thankful to have been able to do this again. While it wasnt the birth I had planned, It was the birth that had my sweet Rainbow baby here safely







So we are proud to announce the birth of

Kathleen Rae McDowell
Born August 14, 2016 at 7:35pm
5lbs 4oz
19 in long

What joy and pain is this: Having a rainbow baby

It didn't take me long to become apprehensive about the news that we where expecting again. Two days prior I had thought that my body was doing what it had before, leaving me feeling even more torn as it had before. I had been struggling the last year with rapid weight gain and crippling reactions. One year on steroids had taken its toll, nothing was working the same anymore. My cycles that where once predictable had become less and less so.   In May of 2014 I was shocked to see a VERY faint line on a test that I had taken in the early morning.  Joy washed over me as I woke my husband from sleep and quietly announced to him we where expecting again. Over the next two days I felt the same nagging symptoms as I did with my other children. My joy however was short lived as I woke up to severe cramping and bleeding. For three days I laid in bed, begging God to comfort me. My whole being felt torn and raw. What made it worse was a few days prior a family member announced their pregnancy as well. Feeling alone I decided to just keep my pain and sorrow to myself. Soon I started to snap at the ones I loved the most, including my husband. It wasn't until I let go and finally had a good cry that I decided that I would move on with life.. Hard as it was I had made the choice to leave it into Gods hand to make the choice for me if we would ever have another child.  August of 2015 my cycle was late for 2 weeks. The hell of having to take tests only to come out negative made me fear what I already knew... I was starting to loose my cycles and I may never be normal again. I mourned what could be the last chance to have a baby gone. My husband and I had come to the conclusion even before that both of us where too sick to have anymore children. If only i could go back in time and tell myself life would shortly change, I would have enjoyed my holidays with the kids and smiled a little more.

I was due for a cycle Christmas morning of 2015 .. When I missed my cycle I thought nothing of my chances of being pregnant. I just assumed I was loosing yet another cycle. However I also started to notice I was turned off by some of my favorite food and that my chest was sore and achy. It wasn't until I went out and bought a pregnancy test ( by the prodding of my husband) ) that I started to feel the same uneasy and betrayed feeling I had before. What if it was negative?! What if I was just making these things up in my head? Reluctantly I took the test.. I hadn't even had a chance to set it down when the plus sign showed up bright and clear.. My heart went into my throat and I called for my husband. He looked at me and said " I knew it!! I knew it for two weeks!!" I however was scared and worried.. How can I expect that this baby would stay? After a week the bleeding started... I asked my husband to take me to the ER and my heart sank when they told me that the baby had a bleed around it. On my paperwork it stated " threatened miscarriage." I started to prepare myself for yet again another loss and started to try to keep myself from bonding with the baby. About 4 days later the bleeding started again, this time with bright red bleeding.. Turns out the bleeding had grown and again I was sent home to loose our baby.. For what seemed like ages I waited... I waited to say goodbye. Weeks passed and my first OB appointment came..

On the screen was the perfect little outline of a baby... I saw a little heart flickering and small limbs moving. I smiled and teared up .
 A few short weeks after our ultrasound we found out we where having a girl!!! I still guarded myself since we where not in the safe zone.. For weeks again I had a hard time bonding with her !! I begged God to allow her to stay. 24 weeks came and went.... I finally had peace that she was staying.. In or out she would survive !! Soon after we started monthly visits to a specialty doctor to keep watch over her. Each visit gave me new photos of her to enjoy.. My heart however longed for her to be in my arms, not in my womb. As my due date approached I madly planned for her to be here, making sure everything would be done. We scheduled my induction and I had my baby shower..

 Time was passing quickly!!! It wasn't until I passed 38 weeks that my nervousness hit a new peak.. Why isn't she here?! The day I went into labor I decided then this would be my last time doing this.. she would be my last baby. Never again did I want to go through the torture and pain of having to hope there would be a good ending !! It wasn't until I heard her cry that a wave of relief washed over me.. I cried .... not just for the relief of her birth.. But finally saying goodbye to the baby who had left my womb too soon..

Being the mom of a rainbow baby is like having a stitched up heart. All your children take a piece of it.. When one leaves this world before you, it feels like that patch given was ripped from you. Unable to stop the bleeding , the wound has to be stitched. Then another baby comes and the wound still feels raw and sore.. It isn't until the baby is born that you feel that patch sealed over with gold thread. The pain is still there, but this new thread has healing powers.. not what the other had.  The birth of my daughter saved me... her birth gave me hope. I am still in awe of this tiny creature... Each little cry, squeak or sigh makes me jump to my feet. Each little sleepy smile or content sigh after her tummy is full makes my heart sing. I still lovingly think of our baby we lost before her. Maybe her sleepy smiles are her looking upon the face of her sibling. Next May she and I will go to a quite and small place and release a balloon.. A memorial for a baby who left us both too soon. A baby wanted by both heaven and earth.. Maybe as she grows the pain wont be there anymore.. I cant wait to see what she becomes!! I cant wait to go home one day and hold the baby I never got to.. I am at peace and content with waiting and enjoying my sweet little rainbow here on earth..


Until we meet again my sweet little one I will dream of you

In loving memory of our baby
Came into our hearts May 23, 2015
Went to heaven May 26, 2015

We will meet again...

Announcing the birth of our rainbow baby
Kathleen Rae McDowell

Came into our hearts January 2016
Came earthside  August 14, 2016
Our rainbow on a cloudy day!!

West Texas Natural Baby: Counting Down to D-Day

Soooo I left you off last trimester pretty much whining about how much I hated my new Diet. However I also shared some of the more personal things about being a mom to a rainbow baby! It has  really gone too fast. By the time I finish this post I will most Likely be holding her in my arms!! I wish I could have written more in the Second trimester, but during that time I was going through some pretty rough feelings and I was also trying to figure out how to handle them all. Pregnancy is rough and sometimes it isn't the cakewalk you want it to be.


Weeks 28-33: After about a week of the sugar detox, I started to notice more that my body was a lot happier and almost felt like I had a new lease on life. The first few weeks my blood sugars where super bad and I was trying to find a way to still allow carbs into my diet, vs carb starve myself and feel even worse. I admit I lived off of caffeine and a ton of grapefruit essential oils!! I had to draw my energy off of something. I also had something else to distract myself with.. I was offered a baby shower and I was thrilled seeing as we hag gotten rid of everything that we had for Kaleb ages ago. So off I went planning all the things that we needed for her! I was also a nervous mess trying to plan out how I would manage a newborn and my two older school kids and started to go through my calendar planning all the things we would need for the as well.. I could have used a lot more sleep then because life was about to become a lot more uncomfortable!


Weeks 34-36: I probably spent most of my day running in between the house and appointments. I Had a small stent in the L&D overnight due to my constant going. I was warned several times I needed to slow down or else I would be forcing myself to the point of delivering a preemie. So I had to make the choice between being busy and being bored... Being bored it was!! I found joy in adding things into my baby registry and planning the birth. I started to rely more and more on natural means of keeping this baby in. A week before my shower my doctor cleared me for a cheat day and I was exited for a chance to eat something with sugar in it.. Of course the day that I had my shower I decided to skip most of the carbs anyways. I didn't want a remake of the sugar detox  I had weeks before. The shower was wonderful!!! I had tons of friends and family there.. It was so refreshing and what got me through the last few weeks till I hit 36 weeks. The day I hit 36 weeks I thought for sure that we where going into labor.. I was having timeable contractions, was very sick at my stomach and felt a lot of pressure on my cervix. My husband begged me to go to bed and rest, he needed more time to finish a project at work and wanted the baby to wait a few more days. The next morning I was surprised to find that not only had the labor stalled off , but my spotting had stopped as well.. We are going to make it !! At 35 weeks we started the weekly visits to the OB and Primatologist began. I was nervously awaiting the measurements for her weight since I had started the Gestational diabetes thing later in the game. While It was hoping for a bigger baby , I was also hoping she would not come out the size of a small toddler!! At 36 weeks we where given the size of 5lbs 5oz.... I was a little worried when they said she was that small. However her fluid, cord and placenta where all working the way they where supposed to.
Ti Weeks 37- 39: We made it I thought that Saturday morning.. I worried about having another early baby again since this pregnancy we decided against the P-17 shots. The amount of relief I had once midnight passed was enough to make me cry.. I know if she was born in the next few days, she would make it!! Of course I also became a little impatient at the same time.. My whole body aches and I was ready to get this over with. As selfish as that seems I was ready to look upon my little girls face. My next visit with the perinatologist was short and easy and he asked about my plans for induction. I hadn't thought about it honestly since all of my babies have came early. I talked to the OB at my next visit and we decided August 15th it was. I was already dilated to a 1 and my cervix was showing signs of getting ready for baby. I joked with her during my 37 week visit that I wanted a 39 week baby! Sure enough I made it to 38 weeks.. I went in for my last visit with both of my doctors as a pregnant mom. I sat down in the hospital cafeteria for lunch and thought about all the changes about to happen in the next few days. I was only 4 days away from meeting my little girl. Secretly I had hoped I would go into labor. Saturday came and I hit 39 weeks. I was seriously upset with my body at this point. Why wasn't I going into labor by myself!! The whole day I was secretly hoping I would do enough cleaning to jump start the whole process..

I guess you all will have to wait till the next blog right?! Stay tuned for the next blog for her birth story!!!